I will die if light touches me.
this just has baby written all over it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
