so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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