halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I need to sanitize my soul.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
