Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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