I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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