I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
