So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
