Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
