My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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