Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
