I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you never un-have a 4some
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
