I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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