I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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