we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
