i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
