the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize