i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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