It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
