im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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