I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
