did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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