So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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