I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She told me I should be a condom model.
There's always time for handjobs
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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