I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
When are your genitals available?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
