Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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