My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
As shirtless as possible
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
