I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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