he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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