I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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