she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
there is glitter all over my balls
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
