mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
