Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
