Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
