Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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