I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
