Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
