She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
