You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
