as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
