I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
it's great music for shaving your balls
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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