You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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