Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
time to smoke my breakfast
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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