I faked an abortion last night.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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