I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
