I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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