the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
