Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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