Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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