how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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