If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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