I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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