That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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