my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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