1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
