you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
