i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
