he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
