Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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