i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
