I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
