4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
