I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
