I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
