They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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