whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
