I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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