After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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